Love And Logic Are Not Enough

Logic and Emotion cogs


He’s over 40 and suddenly wanting a divorce!

What do you do? Reason with him?  After all, why shouldn’t you try to show him he’s making a mistake?

Unfortunately, using love and logic to convince him he’s making a mistake won’t work.  Here’s the thing.   Stirring up his emotions will succeed where logical argument won’t.  We are not as rational as we like to believe and emotion is your best chance.

Details

The easiest way for me to explain the difference between love and logic versus stimulating his emotions, is to itemise some do’s and don’ts. 

The Don’ts

  • Don’t argue that he owes you an explanation.  In his mind he doesn’t.
  • Avoid blaming him for why the relationship fell apart.  You are both in it.

  • Don’t imply that he owes you something for what you’ve been through.
  • He will definitely not like being told to grow up and take responsibility for the relationship.
  • Steer clear of talking to him in front of children and friends and
  • NO it’s not ok to meet for coffee
  • Stay away from telling, convincing and arguing.  It will get you nowhere.  Love and logic won’t work.  It will just give him more reason to stay away.  He will always counter argue and find contradictory proof of why he should leave.  He’ll only think of the low points of your relationship and all the fights and frustrations that your partnership has wrought on him.

The Do’s

  • Have at least one way of communicating privately.  Texting is the most common method.
  • Completely eliminate any public communication.  Why?  Well once you publicly put it out there about the breakup, its hard to retract.  Instead, send him a message every 4 to 5 days. Nothing about your relationship though, just interesting, funny or exciting stuff that you know he’ll appreciate. Don’t push for a response.  This is about keeping the lines of communication open.
  • Another reason a private line of communication is you need an exclusive way to flirt with your partner.  Start with messages that induce emotion.  (Stories about other peoples’ hardships, animals, babies, etc).   Remember no convincing.
  • Be vulnerable about your struggles and goals.  It will trigger his hero instinct and increase the chances of him coming to your rescue.  This is very powerful.
  • We all want someone to have our back and all crave vindication for our actions, more than we are willing to admit.  Having a special way of communicating gives him the opportunity to do just that. It also gives you’re an ideal opportunity to start putting James Bauer’s ‘Respect Principle’ to work.  Give him the impression that you still hold him in high regard. Men prefer to feel respected rather than loved.
Patience is a virtue  

Waiting can be specially hard if you feel he might be spending time with another women. Make sure you don’t pressure him. One thing’s for sure, push men into a corner and you inadvertently trigger his flight or fight instinct.  Recognize that time can be used to your advantage. He’s already moved away from you physically, now use the time away to gradually break down his emotional walls.

Eventually, you’ll have an opportunity to see each other again, face-to-face. When that happens, make good eye contact and avoid talking too much. Silence is a great healer and can evoke a multitude of emotions.  Long periods of sustained eye contact will get him thinking and his imagination will do the rest.  Wear something that he hasn’t seen you in before.  It portrays a different you.  Stop the past from hurting your relationship.

Conclusion

Some of these may not work for your situation,  but I do hope you are able to distinguish and understand the difference between trying to convince and triggering the right feelings in your man.  Emotion is more effective than love and logic combined.

MidLife Survival Secret #47

 

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